Little Rock , Arkansas

Wednesday , Aug. 23rd , 1899
I have been this afternoon looking over this diary which was commenced nearly a quarter of a century ago. I do not admire the style in which the most of it is written , nor are the thoughts and deeds of which it tells of much importance . I can see in the style the evil affect where my composition of Ar. law book. Which I read and admired in thou days. Among those that had the direct - effect were the powers of Joaquin Miller - his songs of the Survivor and the songs of the Sweetlands . His frequent use of the phrase" I lift my hands " such or "I lift my hands and say Farwell " to I attribute to the reading of these books. The diary has a good deal to say of "Portions" which deliver sharing ,considering the fact I was a a young man in fair health with a growing practice at the bar. I know very well that I was a few wise and spending nearly pleasant days with happy House. But I also had trouble or rather allowed myself to be saddened by matters that should have given me no reason for they could not be helped. I have always felt a dread of the ills , then help by ones, the irremediable sorrows of old age. It may seem strange to say so but at no time has been dread of old age for I knew as it. was during the liare this diary was written .I had passed (Continued on last page of book).

Sunday Oct. 25, 1874
Rambled through the woods north east of town till dinner. Dined at my boarding house Mrs. Mc Elmore's .Spent evening with them , and tonight am alone in my office . Day clear, woods beautiful with Autumn colors.

Monday , Oct. 26th 
Town filled with people who came supposing court would be held. I was busy most of the morning talking to clients about their cases. In the afternoon went hunting with Will Mack in the same woods , through which I wandered yesterday . Will killed one Squirrel and 2 Thursday .Day very warm for the Season.

Tuesday , Oct. 27th 
Attended the burial of the infant son of Dick Jackson at the grave- yard this evening. Walked home with Mrs. Emma Mack. I remembered to have seen her , on such a day , and such a time. Soon after my arrival here. The sermon theme "The Survivor - soul that - ever looked through mortal eyes." Attended church tonight. Came home with Mrs. Irvin McElmore .The earth is very fair these Autumn days , but somehow it must be the saddest time of the year , or I am entering melancholy period of existence , for do what I will , still I am melancholy . The very air sum burden with it, and when I breathe it . I fill my soul with sadness . But the ills of life must be born and the fewer the numbers the better.

Wednesday Oct. 28th Rode to Jake Cupp's this morning came back about two o'clock and had my dinner. Was at the old house when Gurlen and I want to go so often together , these evenings. Had several fellows in my office this night. They lossed considerably before leaving. I considered that one of the worst things about stepping in an office, You are beset with visitors when you least want to see them. After they left I wrote a letter to Gurlen.

Sunday , Nov. 1st , 1874 
I have forgotten my diary during the last two or three days. Perhaps I should say that I have not forgotten but did not care. to write the dull routine of law business. George my horse who has been gone for a day or two came up today and I fed him . His mane and tail were full of burs . Ruff Markum and I picked them out. I have spent most of the day walking through the woods around town in company with Rufe . The day has been rather cold , but my clear and pleasant to one walking. We went to Mif & Lula's Spring on Berch Creek. It was filled with leaves , which I took out. We cut our names on a birch tree near the Spring. As we walked over the big hill west of town , I thought of a afternoon about a year ago , when a young lady and I rode over that same hill. That should of have been a happy day to me, and yet I think it was not so. Since that fair sweet Autumn day I have seen some days of joy and some of sorrows. The world to me is a year older . I hope that during that year I have grown some in patience if not in wisdom . Fair would I live to see the changes another year will bring. The start to school tomorrow . The old year fades the new year comes new hopes are born and old ones die. To all the world a sweet goodnight.

Nov. 4th Wednesday
Last Monday rode to Boydsville no court was held. Spent the night at Royal's . Judge Mack also spayed there. Next day we rode home together . Stopped a few minutes at Burn's T at Ray Kendal's Got home at dark. The woods through the bottoms are on fire, and the air filled with smoke. The woods and hill are wrapped in it. manley of blue. To me these days are very beautiful and I love to ride or walk through the woods giving long hours to daydream and worries. Tis a season with ful for that. Though no over joyful I feel stronger and more determined to meet with planning the future that awaits me. Thou I have for many a day . A beautiful thought an wonderful . As for the girl I love to share . And I wish for given and learning only so to please them. My eternity is that.

"Lips are made only to kiss , Hands are made only to hold, Eyes are made only to use on the lonely , The longing the loving and adorn them in joy."

Nov 6th Friday 
The weather is still warm and to me these days are most beautiful. I never before hated to see Winter approach , so much as I do now. But Autumn beautiful and melancholy as she is must pass away and the long dreary months of Winter must come over us. In order that we may love her more. The smiles and prowlings of the gay young spring . The things must be as the things have been. The Gods have ordained it so. I cannot help it . But it is said that "A noble discontent in the pathway to heaven "Today I have written some letters one of them to Kade. It is noon now and the shouting of schoolboys at play remind me of days when he and I were boys together. Days very beautiful and I clear and warm through the woods giving long hours to daydreams and worries. Tis a season for that. Though not over joyable I feel stronger and more determined to meet with planning for the future that awaits me Than I have for many a day. A beautiful thought comes to me that each mortal each day is making the history of a life . The beginning of the book is birth the end is death. Some of those books are filled with deeds two noble and self denying to be made here but will be fully understood alone in heaven . I wonder to some extent to quit loving the present with the case of the future which may never come. This Winter I must read and think . My life I give to the Faith . Let mold it as thy will but I ask that it be not .

Nov. 8th 
My spirits serve to be unusually as the weather during the past week , the weather has been bright and clear my feelings were sombre. To day there is steady rain , and things outside look glooming indeed , but my spirit have brightened and lifted far above , what they were a day or two ago . This morning Harvey and Will Mack were in my room an hour or two. The morning was short , for I lay in bed till 8'oclock before dressing for breakfast. Rufe Markum , who had been staying with me several days left and went to the country last Friday evening .That night I was very lonesome , since then I had become used to his absence. From now on I intend to apply myself now than ever to my studies . Each day I must read some in law . The rest of my time not occupied by business . I shall devote to English language & literature . I have mapped out the plan of new campaign today to which if I adhere I shall be in the end better and wiser and perhaps game of a great victory. Defeat in such a campaign could not be disgraceful and victory would enwreathe me with the Courts of a Conqueror . I would be a king and place on a purple throne.

Nov 14th Saturday 
I have been to Harrisburg this week. Started Tuesday came back here yesterday. On account of that trip I have not studied as much as I wished to this week. But that was no pleasure trip. and so I count that day not ill spirit. I wish so soon as possible to purchase ammunition and guns for the coming campaign . I wish to purchase and read during the winter the leading work of each of the judge book and novelist of the day. In wisdom and knowledge consists the the hunger and most lasting joy. Joy who is others cannot at this pleasure win or take away. My faith in him is large with slow yet steady hand he deals out even justice to all . He humbles the proud. And lifts up the lowly. Now who must to him and remain never to themselves . Can ever defeated HIM! Win life yet just learn me patience , learn me to share the ways of victory, learn me to think and to look for down the hollow year for the shine yet true decrees.

"If thou with patience had been blest , Thy distime portion would have come and like a love on the brain have fling itself and rendered thy dumb."

Nov 15th Sunday
Gibbin says that solitude is the school of genius. Of so I have taken a lesson today. The morning I spent in my office alone. There was preaching but decided not to go . Commenced a poem with time.

" Twas night , the soft sweet summer night. "Yet unfinished . This evening I walked through the woods , I went first to the mounds on the hill south east of town where I went one evening in April and saw on my return a Jac through the window . From the mound I went to my favorite haunt Northeast of town . After coming back I read " Guineun " in Tenneyson's I day of the Kings. Tonight I read Mark D' Asthun. I am growing fond of Tennyson again. His form I think singularly compact and firm. The philosophy they contain generally sound and good and not over shamed. His poems display a great deal of art. Whenever this weather does not present. I wish to spend my Sundays past in reading and part in rambling in the woods. There is pleasure in being with forest in silent . Year down to the waiting for some far off divine and give us a lesson of patience.

Nov 18th Wednesday
The days are dull for this season of the year . Law almost entirely played . So I have a good time reading Tenneyson and Law dividing my time. In Tennyson I find some true gems of poetry. The departure in "This Day Dream" I think good. And across the hills they went , In that new world which is in the old. In love and death occur the following thought. Shall shapest path blight us knowing all, life needs for life is possible to will. "Break , Break, Break " in a touching price In the two voices " occur some noble thoughts. The Lord of Burleigh. I like ."But a trouble will I heed upon her and oppressed her night and noon. With the burden of an honor.
Unto which she was not born" And so when she died they buried her in her bridal garments. That is that last long dream life . Sleep she might rest well. The year is panning and soon the last month of it will be here . I do not think the first amount of melancholy that they gave me the first of this year. The memory of those moments in black and bliss. I can truly say walking blindly I've known the worst.

Nov. 20th Friday 
Campaign booming . No balls , but heavy size in guns and steadily bringing placed in position. If I mistake not they will do damage when the bombarding does commence. Tennyson is still my loor. The most passionate love song I ever heard is Falina "Last night I wasted hateful hour , Below the city's eastern towers , I thirsted for the brook that flows , I hobbled among the tender flowers , I crushed them on my breast - my mouth, I looked at the west the burning drought of that long desert to the south . My philosophy is now more than ever . To enjoy the good things of life as they come . Live happy cultivate the garden of the soul.

There's many a love in the land my love , but never a love like this , to kill me dead with your love , my love , and cover me up with your kisses. Kill me dead and bury me deep. When never a soul discover, Deep in your heart to sleep to sleep , In the darkest tomb of town.

Sunday Nov 22nd 
This morning it was raining . I spent it in my office alone . Faired off in the evening . Rufe Markham and I walked to the top of the hill north west of town. The same hill to which with Dennis we went one day last spring. Tonight I have read in the office alone. Read Sea Dreams in Tennyson also Titonus and Grandmothers Apology in the Ramers House felt somewhat melancholy today.

Mon Dec 7th 
Have somewhat neglected my diary of late. I spent Sunday the 27th of Nov. at home ( my office is home to me) in the morning and rode with Will Mack through the high hills in the evening. Yesterday I went to church in the morning . in the evening called on Mis Emma stayed till after supper and walked to town with Will who spent the night with me. Today I feel somewhat drowsy but walked this morning over to the woods northeast of town . Had the honor of a call from Esg Browning . I must work this week as Court Commissioner in Clayton next week and week afterward here. Tis night now . During the day I wrote Kade a letter. During the day I have been pondering in half dream , the events of yesterday. That day will long be a sweet memory to me . Sweet as the sun last ray upon the hills . Thru comes but one first time.

Thursday Dec 10th 
The week has slipped unconsciously away. Rufe Markum left yesterday for Texas . I walked with him to the pine hills thru miles west of town . This week I have done almost nothing bring over continually for law. My thoughts seem to go on over in sythenical way. The melancholy which affected me some weeks ago has lifted considerably. Next week is court and unlike I can drive from my brain this engaging simlimenlatism , I shall hardly be fit for business.

Sunday Dec 18th 
Spent morning in office. After dinner walked through the woods west of town . Came back and went driving with Miss Lula Stidland. Went to church that night with Dolla Gentry . Dennis went with Ony Wall.

Sunday Dec 20th 
Spent last week at Boydville Court . Today has been dark with with snow on the ground. I have been in my office most of day, reading law . Tomorrow is court.

Mon Dec 28th 
Spent Christmas Day at Judge Macks came with Ms. Emma to party at Mr. McElmore's that night spent Sunday at home reading "Songs of the Lurra" whish same I have been reading today. Consider the volume as a whole better than "Songs of the Sunland." The day has been rainy. There was to been a party at Wall's to nite but weather was so bad it was postponed. Now that the court is over I must collect what many is owing to me. Then back to long days of study. Study with the lovers of beautiful dreams. I am grown so that nothing has almost become a host of my existences. I wish to embody in a hour Ceawford's love in Florida and attribute his failure to a lack of courage and action. "Let a man contend to his uttermost for his life set prize be it, what it will . His sin I impute so each fortunate ghost , was the unlike laugh and the ungist born through the end in sight was a crime I say ." I worst a have quit here for tonight , but before I lie down to sleep I wish to remember him one whom I never forget. One who has brought me some flowers which and fade life forever. One reward whom I reach a hand in praise and passionate love. The change of him and many . Who can say what the future brings ? What league of sea and mountain may intervene between us in the close of life I cannot say I bring her him , and plea her whom I place no others . I place sweet flowers in her hair and hold her small white hands in mine. She is welcome yea thrice welcome to the days of my own.

Dec 30th 
Last night I went with Ms Emma to Dr. Wall's to the party then we did not leave til after twelve this morning I rode with her home from Dr. Wyse's whom she stayed last night. I know not what to call her could it be " Half angel and half bird . and all a wonder and a wild desire" O love so short and yet so painful to the soul . I had thought that the passion wave which bore me so long and high had ebbed and would aim no more forever. I had almost hoped and grown ease at the hope that would pass and would noon come again. That my heart would soon come again . That my heart would sleep and dream not any dreamsof love . but this day went on and the tide came back and I am bound once more on wave of passion tall and white. Tis will Though love bring doubt and pain yet I learn them willingly to drink for a moment from it fountain of blis. What all this comes to when will it end? Time and the fates will answer , I lift my hands and wait on them. Turn idle hands I know not what they mean for i know not.

Friday Jan. 1st 
Today is the first of the new Year It has been raining a cold rain the whole day through . there is to be a party at Dr. Wyse's tonight. For my past I feel not much in going to attend any party. for the last week or two I am most inclined to melancholy been lonesome perhaps from the departure of Rufe Markum. I wrote a letter to Gurben today . I'm so glad he will soon be back. and I anticipate much Lessons from his whim. I think then to take a long decrease from sorrow.

Sunday , Jan . 12th
The evening of the first day of the new year. I went to Dr. Wgre's to the party . In a wagon with Charles as driver I scoured the town in search of young ladies for the festival. The ladies housed down , yer this assembled a goodly crowd of the journey and fain. Mife Rula was there. And it seemed that her coming brought in gladens for I felt or if the old days of youth and happiness had whimed once more. I accompanied Mis Emma to Mr. Jim Jacksons when the party was over. Sunday I spent in my office and riding above through the woods . Monday I went to Jonesboro , and the weather was severe . I have a very bad cold now . My left eye is from cold, and altogether I feel considerably shivered up. But this darkest dreariest - haunt of the year is Jan. and each day gives us more sunlight . May it bring us more sunlight of soul as will.

Thursday , Jan . 21st 
Last Sunday Dennis and I went in the evening to Ehro Grow.we had a good time and stayed till after supper . I contemplate in a year or two to move to the Pacific Coast to the town of Santa Barbara. There by the sun down be as to spend the remnant of my life in a castle by the sea . Will she ever come to drive the loneliness away and to walk with and through the orange gardens.? Last night I went to a party at Mr. Jim Jackson's. Walked home with Ms. Emma . Will came back and spent the night with me. The day has been cloudy a now a white fog creeps in the hollows like a thing of life. I walked to the top of the hill northwest of town. Below lay the town with the white smoke curling upwards from the chimneys and the white fog creeping up the hollows between the hills . My feelings as sad as the day. But I joy to think the warm coming spring is our next season. I shall lift my hands to the warm sunshine . Shall lay my head in its blessed light., and be as glad as the days are longer. It is after supper now . Day has just left . I am a little melancholy to night not from any particular cause. In looking over my papers I find the following form written by me sometime ago, as it somewhat explains my feelings , I record it here.

Can you tell what the future will bring , In its- round of rolling year? Will there come in that far-off future , A relief from cases and tears? Will all the unrest - and with this savay , fold themselves around the present and from a passes to day? The thirst - for something unfound . And the wild unquenchable longings . Of a love that known no bound,

Link to a calm in the future , Lay to rest profound , On fades a distant - sound ? And the evening of life be a still . As that of a summer's day . And then come at last the warm . The hush of the far away.

Sunday , Jan. 24th , 1875. 
Thurs. was Sunday school and church this morning . I did not go to Sunday school. Went with Miss Lula Strickland to church . Came back and ate dinner at De Wgone . It was the first time I had eaten there in a long time and recalled some memories of the older times. Those memories are blessed . A home and the white roses I gathered. later in the evening Will Mack and I walked out west a mile from town and returned . Will ate supper with me at Mr. McElmer's . After supper I went to church . Reverend Mr. Loor preached . He is trying to get a revival up in the winter time. I think the weather is to cold.

Wednesday , Jan 27th , 
Monday I went to Brownings when I met Miller . From there I went near Jonesboro to see De Oss. I stayed the night at Roans Camp in town Sunday. Went to church that night which was last night. Mr. Loor still goes with his protracted meeting . today it has rained a misty foggy rain , rain that dampens the soul as well as the body . But somehow I always like such days in the winter . It is so comfortable to look through the window at the white fog imaging about as a curtain . The last month of winter approaches and I hail it with great joy . The earth is so sweet and full to overflowing in the spring that it enters the soul and we cannot resist its enchantment .

Friday , Jan. 29th 
A light snow fell last night . Looking over my papers I copy a strange written last fall , where a life that was beautiful , summer to have ebbed away.

I would I were by that lone lake , whose water rip the western hills , Raft in dim reunion to take , My rest from life and all its ills.

Sunday Jan. 31st 
There was Sunday School today . I did not go . I had some lay in bed some. It is the last day of the month which I like least of any . the day is clear but the air is cold .I have tried two year of passion how would it do to let this be a year of peace? Instead of the wild love for Ms. Living to love only the inanimate or at least that which is called Rufe through to me full of life. Lone hills and woods and clouds , and bless , bless skin . and dream of beautiful white topped mountains and billowy singing seas . To be but a child again , wayward and wild emorsed of all solitude in love with lonely flowers and rock wherever they grow. but above all I must study and that is to in some by estimate method if I ever wish to accomplish anything.

Wednesday Feb. 3rd 
To day is very cold . I started to Greensboro yesterday with Gramling and Looney , but it rained so we came back. Read today in Dec. member of Sonburer 'jeanette" the story of a half breed Indian girl who gathered the wild flowers round "Mackinae"

Feb. 4th Thursday 
Have been reading in Icubner to day . Canins of the Colarado a wonderful . Modern Brittish tail by Stedman in good like all of his tails.

" Yes sumed she scares had been a day One of God christians

Then swords had not yet quite gone , From that still book of him " The above is from Rosetti written perhaps of his own sweetheart , who had left the earth to dwell in heaven.

Sad yet sweet as the blis of heaven , must have been the memory of that will look of hers."

Saturday Feb. 6th 
This cold weather has returned but so soon as it goes cloud and rain come. It is cloudy today . Last night we held the first meeting of the callisman Society. Subject for debate "War and Intemperance which has done the most evil . My voice was for war. The judge decided for war.

Monday Feb. 8th 
The cold weather was back with a vengeance yesterday . I went to Sunday school in the morning . Afterward Dennis and I ate together at Mrs. McElmers's and spent most of the day thru. Besides the Mrs. McElmore's , Miss Oney Wall was there . In the afternoon Miss Adella Gentry and Jennie Jackson called in .All together had a pleasant time with them . Before night Dennis and I took a stroll out on the road lead in Southeast from town I spent the night with Dennis. Today is the 8th and I am busy today . I will celebrate it to night at the birthday of her. I will stay in my office alone and the fear if temperance shall unfold. It is night and in memory of her this flags of temperance hand unfurled on the wall. Could I lift the veil , what would I behold in the days to come? Long sweet days of passionate love , on dark days hide by sorrowful clouds of despair? O the days to come who so cowardly as to shrine thin approaches bring, they neal or woe. As for me let them come bring they signs of joy or only the garments of sorrow . for this past I left my hands in thankfulness for the future I can only wait. Let me explain when it comes ."

Mon. Feb. 15, 1875 
Yesterday I went to Sunday school . Came back with Jennie McElmore . Went with Mifs Lula Strickland to church at night. Last Thursday Dennis and I were at Dr. Wall's . We had a gay time . Friday night I went to party at Mr. Martins . It was a dull affair. Saturday night I was at the society and had a gay time. To day I received a valentine signed "R.A. Findout". The winter is passing so rapidly away . Last Fall while I stood in moody mind watching it coming it seemed that it now could be passed . I can never forget how miserable I use the word advisedly I was at this time last year. The mists were to thick about me , that not even the approach of spring could drive them away . I was adrift on a ocean of pain. I held my head down and the waves broke over me. Will it be so again in the year to come? Will I be bowed again by the old unlifted sorrow, or the peace grow more and more, till the perfect life shall come?

Monday Feb. 22nd 
Yesterday I did not go to Sunday school . went to preaching . In the afternoon I rode through the woods with Will Mack . We had a pleasant ride. I accompanied Mes Jim McElmore to church at night. Yesterday was a beautiful day and today is also. I look from my window and the air took night and soft like spring this early note of some bird floats in . The birds are glad should I be like so than they ? Now I love the gay young spring!

"To one she is sacred and splendid . And to me she is gentle and fair , As the tawny sweet twilight so blended Sunlight and red stars in her hair."

Friday , Feb. 23, 
A year ago from today I was most melancholy . It seemed then that I could never be glad again.