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NOTHING in our country is more undecided in the public mind than the
etiquette of mourning. It has not yet received that hereditary and
positive character which makes the slightest departure from received
custom so reprehensible in England. We have not the mutes, or the nodding
feathers of the hearse, that still form part of the English funeral
equipage; nor is the rank of the poor clay which travels to its last home
illustrated by the pomp and ceremony of its departure. Still, in answer to
some pertinent questions, we will offer a few desultory remarks, beginning
with the end, as it were - the return of the mourner to the world.
When persons who have been in mourning wish to reenter society, they
should leave cards on all their friends and acquaintances, as an
intimation that they are equal to the paying and receiving of calls. Until
this intimation is given, society will not venture to intrude upon the
mourner's privacy. In cases where cards of inquiry have been left, with
the words "To inquire" written on the top of the card, these cards should
be replied to by cards with "Thanks for kind inquiries" written upon them;
but if cards for inquiry had not been left, this form can be omitted.
Of course there is a kind of complimentary mourning which does not
necessitate seclusion - that which is worn out of respect to a husband's
relative whom one may never have seen. But no one wearing a heavy crape
veil should go to a gay reception, a wedding, or a theatre; the thing is
incongruous. Still less should mourning prevent one from taking proper
recreation: the more the heart aches, the more should one try to gain
cheerfulness and composure, to hear music, to see faces which one loves:
this is a duty, not merely a wise and sensible rule. Yet it is well to
have some established customs as to visiting and dress in order that the
gay and the heartless may in observing them avoid that which shocks every
one - an appearance of lack of respect to the memory of the dead- that all
society may move on in decency and order, which is the object and end of
the study of etiquette.
A heartless wife who, instead of being grieved at the death of her
husband, is rejoiced at it, should be taught that society will not respect
her unless she pays to the memory of the man whose name she bears that
"homage which vice pays to virtue," a commendable respect to the usages of
society in the matter of mourning and of retirement from the world.
Mourning garments have this use, that they are a shield to the real
mourner, and they are often a curtain of respectability to the person who
should be a mourner but is not. We shall therefore borrow from the best
English and American authorities what we believe to be the most recent
usages in the etiquette of mourning.
As for periods of mourning, we are told that a widow's mourning
should last eighteen months, although in England it is somewhat lightened
in twelve. For the first six months the dress should be of crape cloth, or
Henrietta cloth covered entirely with crape, collar and cuffs of white
crape, a crape bonnet with a long crape veil, and a widow's cap of white
crape if preferred. In America, however, widows' caps are not as
universally worn as in England. Dull black kid gloves are worn in first
mourning; after that Gants de Duede or silk gloves are proper,
particularly in summer. After six months' mourning the crape can be
removed, and grenadine, copeau fringe, and dead trimmings used, if the
smell of crape is offensive, as it is to some people. After twelve months
the widow's cap is left off, and the heavy veil is exchanged for a lighter
one, and the dress can be of silk grenadine, plain black gros grain, or
crape-trimmed cashmere with jet trimmings, and crepe
lace about the neck and sleeves.
All kinds of black fur and seal-skin are worn in deep mourning.
Mourning for a father or mother should last one year. During half a
year should be worn Henrietta cloth or serge trimmed with crape, at first
with black tulle at the wrists and neck. A deep veil is worn at the back
of the bonnet, but not over the head or face like the widow's veil, which
covers the entire person when down. This fashion is very much objected to
by doctors, who think many diseases of the eye come by this means, and
advise for common use thin nuns' veiling instead of crape, which sheds its
pernicious dye into the sensitive nostrils, producing catarrhal disease as
well as blindness and cataract of the eye. It is a thousand pities that
fashion dictates the crape veil, but so it is. It is the very banner of
woe, and no one has the courage to go without it. We can only suggest to
mourners wearing it that they should pin a small veil of black tulle over
the eyes and nose, and throw back the heavy crape as often as possible,
for health's sake.
Jet ornaments alone should be worn for eighteen months, unless diamonds
set as mementos are used. For half-mourning, a bonnet of silk or chip,
trimmed with crape and ribbon. Mourning flowers, and crepe lace
at the hands and wrists, lead the way to gray, mauve, and white and black
toilettes after the second year.
Mourning for a brother or sister may be the same; for step-father or
step-mother the same; for grandparents the same; but the duration may be
shorter. In England this sort of respectful mourning only lasts three
months.
Mourning for children should last nine months. The first three the
dress should be crape- trimmed, the mourning less deep than that for a
husband. No one is ever ready to take off mourning; therefore these rules
have this advantage - they enable the friends around a grief stricken
mother to tell her when is the time to make her dress more cheerful, which
she is bound to do for the sake of the survivors, many of whom are perhaps
affected for life by seeing a mother always in black. It is well for
mothers to remember this when sorrow for a lost child makes all the earth
seem barren to them.
We are often asked whether letters of condolence should be written on
black edged paper. Decidedly not, unless the writer is in black. The
telegraph now flashes messages of respect and sympathy across sea and land
like a voice from the heart. Perhaps it is better than any other word of
sympathy, although all who can should write to a bereaved person. There is
no formula possible for these letters; they must be left to the
individual's good taste, and perhaps the simplest and least conventional
are the best. A card with a few words penciled on it has often been the
best letter of condolence.
In France a long and deeply edged mourning letter or address, called a
faire part, is sent to every one known to the family to advise them of a
death. In this country that is not done, although some mention of the
deceased is generally sent to friends in Europe who would not otherwise
hear of the death.
Wives wear mourning for the relatives of their husbands precisely as
they would for their own, as would husbands for the relatives of their
wives. Widowers wear mourning for their wives two years in England; here
only one year. Widowers go into society at a much earlier date than
widows, it being a received rule that all gentlemen in mourning for
relatives go into society very much sooner than ladies.
Ladies of the family attend the funeral of a relative if they are able
to do so, and wear their deepest mourning. Servants are usually put in
mourning for the head of the family - sometimes for any member of it. They
should wear a plain black livery and weeds on their hats; the inside
lining of the family carriage should also be of black.
The period of mourning for an aunt or uncle or cousin is of three
months' duration, and that time at least should elapse before the family
go out or into gay company, or are seen at theatres or operas, etc.
We now come to the saddest part of our subject, the consideration of
the dead body, so dear, yet so soon to leave us; so familiar, yet so far
away - the cast-off dress, the beloved clay. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes!
As for the coffin, it is simpler than formerly; and while lined with
satin and made with care, it is plain on the outside - black cloth, with
silver plate for the name and silver handles, being in the most modern
taste. There are but few of the "trappings of woe." At the funeral of
General Grant, twice a President, and regarded as the savior of his
country, there was a gorgeous catafalque of purple velvet, but at the
ordinary funeral there are none of these trappings. If our richest citizen
were to die to-morrow, he would probably be buried plainly. Yet it is
touching to see with what fidelity the poorest creature tries to "bury her
dead dacent." The destitute Irish woman begs for a few dollars for this
sacred duty, and seldom in vain. It is a duty for the rich to put down
ostentation in funerals, for it is an expense which comes heavily on those
who have poverty added to grief.
In dressing the remains for the grave, those of a man are usually "clad
in his habit as he lived." For a woman, tastes differ; a white robe and
cap, not necessarily shroud-like, are decidedly unexceptionable. For young
persons and children, white cashmere robes and flowers are always most
appropriate.
The late Cardinal, whose splendid obsequies and whose regal "lying in
state" were in keeping with his high rank and the gorgeous ceremonial of
his Church, was strongly opposed to the profuse use of flowers at
funerals, and requested that none be sent to deck his lifeless clay. He
was a modest and humble man, and always on the right side in these things;
therefore let his advice prevail. A few flowers placed in the dead hand,
perhaps a simple wreath, but not those unmeaning memorials which have
become to real mourners such sad perversities of good taste, such a misuse
of flowers. Let those who can afford to send such things devote the money
to the use of poor mothers who cannot afford to buy a coffin for a dead
child or a coat for a living one.
In the course of a month after a death all friends of the deceased are
expected to leave cards on the survivors, and it is discretionary whether
these be written on or not. These cards should be carefully preserved,
that, when the mourner is ready to return to the world, they may be
properly acknowledged.
Source:
from Harper's Bazar- April 17, 1886
http://www.tchevalier.com/fallingangels/bckgrnd/mourning/
http://www.tchevalier.com/fallingangels/bckgrnd/cemeteries/index.html
http://www.geocities.com/victorianlace11/mourning.html
http://www.foresthouse.net/VictorianDeath
http://www.victoriana.com/library/harpers/harpers.html
http://www.uttyl.edu/vbetts/godey_intro.htm
http://www.history.rochester.edu/godeys/
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