Military Definitions

  "Sound off"--to open one's mouth and emit noises, the volume and intelligence of which depends on one's rank.
  "Slum"--a concoction of questionable ingredients served at cadet camp.
  "O. G."--officer of the guard, a cadet detailed to take a nap in the guard house, and dodge brickbats.
  "Officer of the Day"--a company captain who never "pinches" his own men.
  "Bull"--Bull Durham tobacco, the cadet's one vice.
  "Corp"--an embryo lieutenant.
  "Formation"--A Military gathering.
  "Rag Up"--to appear in full Uniform.
  "Adjutant"--A skinny mollycoddle with an auctioneer's voice.
  "Major"--a confirmed "sluffer" with high military ambitions.
  "Quartermaster Captain"--a king unto himself.
  "Commissary Captain"--a connoisseur of ripe eggs and navy beans.
  "Colonel"--a little "pal" of the Coms."
  "Lieutenant Colonel"--disciplinarian of low order, a resurrected member of the hospital corps.
  "Second Lieut"--lowest form of puttee wearer.
  "First Lieut"--soup eater musically inclined.
  "Captain"--an insect of low order.
  "Drill Grounds"--a phantom of the future.
  "Camp Cook"--a colored herdsmen who can chase three beans through a pall of water, and call it soup.
  "Firecrackers"--camp infuriators.

  Drill was placed in the University curriculum in order to teach underclassmen self control. After two years spent in toiling with a gun under the watchful supervision of some weak-kneed "sister," the average man can go out into the world and greet the "sassiest" kind of a street car conductor with a smile. It also gives a number of men who have never been "boss" before a chance to try it, once.
  The main idea in drill is to do as the man in front of you does, keep from stepping on his heels, and respect your officers (until you are through drilling). When you see a pair of white gloves and a straw colored mustache approaching remember how your parents prize you and stand up straight. The WHITE hope on the right may be the lieutenant colonel. Remember he has earned his stripes by long and diligent anticipation of the "Com's" slightest wishes, so treat him accordingly.
  The Military Department has as many officers and as much paraphernalia as a negro lodge. The glitter of swords has won many a fair heart, and has developed undreamed of fire in patient delivery horses. Our diminutive "Com" was known in his West Point day as "Shorty." As cigarette smoking was under the "ban," the "Com" in a moment of weakness, one dark night, sneaked out on the fire-escape, and while enjoying a fragrant "pill," caught a cold, which settled on his vocal cords, and caused his voice to become hoarse and thunderous. The government, on discovering this priceless treasure and realizing the great importance of it, promptly appointed him to a place in this "Bryan stronghold."
  D. G. White obtained his earlier training while working in a dry goods store opposite the Commercial hotel in Plattsmouth. One of the other girls in the store told him that he looked like a book agent who had tried to sell her a copy of Grant's Memoirs. Fired by this incentive to military fame, Dave has worked hard, and when not dodging missiles can conduct a class in drill with the ease and nonchalance of an Indian adjusting a carbureter.
  Cotlar, captain of the commissary, was discovered in a sheep camp in Wyoming, by the Morrill Expedition, while in search of prehistoric animals. He was torn away from his tender charges, and placed in the position of "potato peeler." Under the excellent training of the negro cook, he developed a lion-like ferocity, and was the terror of the "jack rabbits" for miles around. The Expedition turned Cotlar over to the military department to cow undeveloped freshmen.
  His inspections are marveled at by the girls in "Evans Laundry." "Reddy" Munger, his patient understudy, hopes by diligent valet service to wear the coveted "cheese knife" some day. After the average "Kaydet" has paid for several pairs of yellow shoes (made by a suit-case manufacturer), a new suit trimmed in redbraid, and a package of firecrackers, his pocketbook looks like a Standard Oil till when a government detective is hanging around.
  After a year's drill, and one camp experience, the average "Kaydet" becomes so proficient in getting absences excused, that he could get into the Annanias Club without credentials, and can handle explosives with the ease of a structural ironworker.
  When recall is sounded the "Kaydet" sheds his regalia, and with a keen appetite, dissipates the landlady's vision of a summer in Europe.
P. S.

  A young man cometh into ye Library and sitteth down at one of ye tables dedicated to ye pursuit of knowledge of ye various sorts. He readeth a book nonchalantly. Presently he glanceth up and spieth a maid who looketh good indeed to the eye. He glanceth yet again and then some more and murmureth to himself:
  "Presently I shall go over and ask to lug her books home and otherwise be of service to her." And he settleth back in his chair and regardeth with equally divided attention ye maid and ye book.
  Presently there cometh along another youth who also spieth ye maid of comely mien but he murmureth not to himself. Instead, he doeth, and that immediately. So it cometh to pass that ye last youth and ye maid leaveth ye Library together in search of pastime in ye mellow moonlight, while ye disciple of Old Procrastination remaineth alone to wrestle with disappointment and Analytics, which all fitteth to ye old adage which runneth thus: "Ye good Intentions are all very well, but ye deed getteth a lot more."

The Trail

When kind John D. gave us his pelf
The Temple to upbuild
I doubt if he had thought himself
With what it would be filed.
Though it is a cinch he had in view
Its use for social pleasures,
And that 's the thought that all of you
Have had till recent measures.
For this said Trail gave us a whiff
Of pleasure mixed with knowledge.
By George, I felt as if I were
Down at some Indian college.
Or carried to some savage camp
In far off Minnetawtubs.
I heard the quiet, stealthy tramp
Of mocasins and war clubs (tramp of war clubs poetic license).

More Professionalism

  STAR pitcher pitched hay last September.
  CATCHER caught cold last July.
  OUR star high-jumper jumped a board bill last August.
  ONE of our best track men worked on a section gang during his Thanksgiving vacation.
  A celebrated Illinois wrestler wrestled with temptation all last summer.
  A brilliant guard on the football team was a member of the Illinois National Guard even before he entered the university.--Daily Illini.

  "Oh. good afternoon! Come in, won't you? I guess we'll have to introduce oursolves . . . Oh, so you're Mr. Brown, a Theta Tau? I know several T. T.'s at home--from Ann Arbor. They're awfully nice fellows--How on earth did you know I was a Freshman?--Well. I suppose Freshmen do talk about home a good deal . . .
  "Yes, it was hard to decide what sorority to go into. Our girls wore the best looking clothes, though. I am awfully glad you're a Theta Tau. The girls said to be especially nice to Theta Ts. and to the Mu Mus--Why I didn't know you two frats were such rivals! Ethel, one of our Seniors, is wearing a Mu Mu pin. No one knows it yet. She just hates the Theta Taus, especially a man they call Brownie--That's your nickname? I don't see how that can be. She said Brownie was an awful stick.
  "This Sunday calling is such a bore, isn't it?--How dear in you to say that, Mr. Brown! Do you really think I am interesting to talk to? The girls say that, usually, only pills call Sunday afternoon. The nice men all have individual dates at night.
  "Do you give a formal this year?--Not until next year? We're going to have fifteen Mu Mus at ours. Ethel got them in. You 're on the list, too, I think, though Ethel raised an awful kick
  "Yes the same old chaperone. She makes the men go home every night at ten-thirty. All but Ethel's. Ethel worked her to let men stay longer
  "Must you go so soon? I hope I have entertained you. The older girls didn't feel like coming downstairs just for you, though Ethel said a Freshman was so apt to tell a man sorority affairs--I know I haven't made that mistake, though--Good-bye, come again real soon, won't you?" R. M.