Genealogy Humor

This is a collection of Genealogy Humor, as collected and shared by M. Kelly.

Genealogy Commandments
1 Thou shalt name your male children: James, John, Joseph, Josiah, Abel, Richard, Thomas, Stephen, William.
2 Thou shalt name your female children: Elizabeth, Mary, Martha, Sarah, Phoebe.
3 Thou shalt leave no trace of your female children.
4 Thou shalt, after naming your children from the above lists, call them by strange nicknames such as: Ike, Eli, Polly, Dolly, Sukey, Lizzie, thereby making them difficult to trace.
5 Thou shalt not use any middle names on any legal documents or census reports and only where necessary, may you use [ONLY] initials on legal documents.
6 Thou shalt learn to sign all legal documents illegibly so that your surname can be spelled. or misspelled, in various ways: Keech, Keach,Keechee, Ketch, etc.
7 Thou shalt, after no more than three Generations, make sure that all family records are lost, misplaced, burned in a court house fire, or buried so that NO future trace of them can be found.
8 Thou shalt propagate misleading legends, rumors, vague innuendo regarding your place of origination: England, Scotland, Wales or Netherlands. Native American Ancestry to the tribe of?????. Descended from one of the three brothers that came over from???. ETC.
9 Thou shalt leave no cemetery records or headstones with legible names.
10 Thou shalt leave no family Bible with records of births, marriages or deaths.

11 Thou shalt ALWAYS flip thy name around. If born "James Albert" thou must make all the rest of your records in the names of Albert, AJ, JA, AL, Bert, Bart, or Alfred.
12 Thou shalt also flip thy parents names when making reference to them, although 'UNKNOWN" or a blank is an acceptable alternative.
13 Thou shalt name at least five Generations of males, and dozens of their cousins, with identical names in order to totally confuse researchers!!

[author unknown]

LAWS OF GENEALOGY

The document containing evidence of missing links in your research invariably will be lost due to fire, flood or war.
The keeper of vital records you need will just have been insulted by another genealogist.
Your great great grandfather's obituary states he died leaving no issue of record.
The will you need is in the safe on the Titanic.
The ancient photo of 4 relatives, one of whom is your progenitor, carries the names of the other 3.
Copies of old newspapers have holes occurring only on last names.
You learn that great aunt Matilda's executor just sold her life's collection of family genealogy material to a flea market dealer in New York City.
No one in your family tree ever did anything noteworthy, always rented property, was never sued, and was never named in any will.
Yours is the only last name not found among the 3 billion in the Mormon archives.
Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional to the value of the data recorded.
The critical link in your family tree is named "Smith."
The 37-volume, 16,000-page history of your county of origin isn't indexed.

The Van Gogh Family Tree
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes. . . . . . . . . . . . Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store . . Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia . . . . . . . . . U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white . . . Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois. . . . . . . . . . . . . Chica Gogh
His magician uncle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wherediddy Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach. . . . . . . . Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt . . . . . . . . . . . . Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst. . . . . . . . . . . . . E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin . . . . . . . . . . . . . Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking. . . . . . . Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew. . . . . . . . . . . . . Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco. . . . . . . . . . . . . Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van. . Winnie Bay Gogh

ANOTHER DAVID......

Davids, Davids everywhere, but none the correct link.
In this confusing research it really makes you think;
What our ancestors were thinking when they named their children fair?
Did they know in later years we would be pulling out our hair?

"Ah ah!" you say, narrowing down names of many a dozen.
"Oh, good grief!" your reply discovering he has wed his first cousin.
So how does yet another David fit into this family group?
Figure it out later -- your brain has turned into pea-soup.

Enumerators, as we all know, were quite a sneaky bunch.
They were crafty in their writing and you really have no hunch,
If the name that you are staring at truly belongs in your line.
Oh, my gosh, this boy's a girl! Well isn't this just fine?

You sit and stare and laugh at the errors you've just found.
You wonder what your ancestor, long buried in the ground.
Would think of this mistake, when you know that in his life,
He took three different women to be his wedded wife.

Our research would be easier had they stayed in just one place,
But as most of us discover, that is simply not the case.
From Connecticut to New York, and from there on to Ohio,
"Why couldn't they stay put and simply write their own bio?"

THE TWELVE DAYS OF A GENEALOGY CHRISTMAS
On the Twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Twelve census searches,
Eleven Printer ribbons,
Ten e-mail contacts,
Nine headstone rubbings,
Eight birth and death dates,
Seven town clerks sighing,
Six second cousins,
Five coats of arms,
Four GEDCOM files,
Three old wills,
Two CD-ROMS
And a branch in my family tree.

Dear Ancestor
Your tombstone stands among the rest;
Neglected and alone.
The name and the date are chiseled out
On polished, marbled stone.
It reaches out to all who cares
It is too late to mourn.
You did not know that I exist
You died and I was born.
Yet each of us are cells of you
In flesh, in blood, in bone.
Our blood contracts and beats a pulse
Entirely not our own.
Dear Ancestor, the place you filled
One hundred years ago
Spreads out among the ones you left
Who would have loved you so.
I wonder if you lived and loved,
I wonder if you knew
That someday I would find this spot,
And come to visit you.

—Author Unknown

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A GENEALOGY ADDICT WHEN . . .
You brake for libraries.
You hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.
You would rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.
You would rather read census schedules than a good book.
You are more interested in what happened in 1697 than 1997.
Moses, Dorcas, and Caleb are household names, but you cannot remember what to call the dog.
You can pinpoint Sewickely, McKeesport, Evans City, (PA) but can't locate your state capitol on the map.
You think every home should have a copier and a microfilm reader.
You know every register of deeds in the state by name, but they lock the doors when they see you coming.
You store your clothes under the bed, because your closet is full of books and papers.
All your correspondence begins "Dear Cousin."
You have traced every one of your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it documented and still don't want to quit.
Unattributed to an author

Genealogist's Dilemma
While looking up my fam'ly tree
A horrid sight there I did see
This horse thief stared right down at me
I turned around and tried to flee
Please stop he called I'm Great gramp Bob
And horses just my side line job
Don't be too quick to be a snob
With the elite I did hob nob

Please do not hide this sad research
I was a pillar of the church
Until I did our name besmirch
And toppled from my lofty perch

For if my acts do you displease
Before you cheer my obsequies
Search your own life for errors please
And any deeds that smell like cheese

The acts that you perform today
Will they look white or dapple-grey
And in the future will they say
Oh no! I have this DNA !

Arthur L. Glasgow — 1997

HE ELUSIVE ANCESTOR
I went searching for an ancestor,
I cannot find him still.
He moved around from place to place and did not leave a will.
He married where a courthouse burned, he mended all his fences.
He avoided any man who came to take the U.S. Census.
He always kept his luggage packed, this man who had no fame,
And every 20 years or so this rascal changed his name.
His parents came from Europe,
they should be upon a list of passengers to USA,
but somehow they got missed.
And no one else in this world is seaching for this man;
So I play gene solitaire to find him if I can.
I'm told he's buried in a plot, with tombstone he was blessed;
But the Weather took the engraving and some vandals took the rest.
He died before the county clerks decided to keep records.
No Family Bible has emerged in spite of all my efforts.
To top it off this ancestor, who caused me many groans,
Just to give me one more pain, betrothed a girl named Jones.

Author Merrell Kentworthy, Published by Shelby Publishing

You know you're a Genealogist's Spouse when:

You're the only person in the bridge/poker club who knows what a Soundex is.
Some of your best friends live over 200 miles away.
You have more pictures of tombstones than of the kids.
"I need a little help at the courthouse" means forget the cleaning, washing, dinner, chores; the day is shot.
The mailman can't believe you get this much mail from someone you don't know.
You explain to Mom why you can't go 25 miles for Sunday dinner, but can go 100 miles to check out another cemetery.
"As soon as I check this census record, I'll fix the leaky faucet" means "call the plumber."
You get home from a trip to an out-of-state courthouse with the kids needing scrubbing, car needing fixing, and clothes needing

washing to find the housework, bills and lawnmower to greet you.
Your neighbors think you're crazy, your friends wonder, and you know you are.
Despite it all, even you are a little anxious for the next family reunion.
Author unknown.

WHAT IS A GENEALOGIST?
A full-time detective
A thorough historian
An inveterate snoop
A confirmed diplomat
A keen observer
A hardened sceptic
An apt biographer
A qualified linguist
A part-time lawyer
A studious sociologist
An accurate reporter
An hieroglyphics expert,
AND . . .
A complete nut!

ARE YOU A GENEALOGIST?
Person: wide-brimmed hat to ward off sun & rain in cemeteries
trifocal glasses
sticky tongue from licking stamps
muscular right arm from cranking microfilm readers
carpal tunnel syndrome from using computer
writer's cramp from taking notes
shirt with large pockets for pencils & membership cards
vest with pedigree chart on back for others to read
coin changer on belt for photocopy machines
knee pads for finding books on low shelves
sensible shoes

Satchel: portable computer
camera with black-and-white film for gravestones
many file folders with charts
pencils of various colors
peanut butter sandwiches
aspirin
caffeine pills

HTML by Dianne Thomas

[NY History and Genealogy] [AHGP]