News: Abbotsford - Dorn Furniture Crazy Ads (Nov 1969)


Surnames: Dorn

----Source: THORP COURIER (Thorp, Clark County, Wis.) 06 Nov 1969

Dorn Furniture Declared National Disaster Area

Abbotsford (BS) – Officials today revealed that once again Dorn Furniture of Abbotsford would have to be classified as a disaster area due to their annual anniversary sale.

State and national officials have been notified in advance of the oncoming disaster and it is hoped that the crowds can be controlled this year so that peace and order can prevail.

General Turvy and his wife Topsy have been flown in from Washington to assist in crowd control. The General and his wife have had many years of mob control since they have both been employed as playground supervisors by local public school and feel that this has given them the edge on mob control.

Assisting the General will be store personnel who witnessed the even last year, and who have since then taken courses in riot control and non-violence.

National officials will be keeping a close eye on the event, which last year brought throngs of bargain hungry buyers into the area from all over the state. It is reported that if better control and fewer bargains are not offered this year, the national officials will have to step in and supervise themselves in order to keep the peace.

It was also suggested that the number of bargains should be reduced in order to limit the crowds. However, Dorn executives bluntly refused to obey this suggestion, saying, "The more the merrier!"

Yesterday in History

Yesterday, a year ago, Abbotsford witnessed an absurd sale on the main street. Huge crowds visited Dorn Furniture and fought their way through the confusion in order to take advantage of the fabulous bargains offered by this store during their anniversary sale.

Newspaper reporters a year ago stated that it would be improbable the Dorn Furniture would ever be able to open its doors to the public and offer another sale like this again. But the word is that even a more wild sale is in progress this year, disputing what the news media reported a year ago.

However, if this gigantic giveaway continues, it has been definitely stated that Dorn may have to close his doors for sure this year.

Local Legislator Renounces Conduct

A prominent legislator from the area today announce that he would not tolerate any misconduct in price reduction at the Dorn Sale.

He has further pledged to use every measure possible to protect his public in the area against extremes in price cutting.

Decorator Attempts Self-Destruction

Local (BS) - It has been disclosed that Dorn Furniture's Interior Decorator has attempted to do himself in after he was seen rolling down Highway 13 in a basket.

There has been no explanation for his conduct, other than he has been a bit frantic lately trying to keep up with the home consultations for Dorn's decorating program.

It was noted that when asked why he had his face painted yellow with green stripes, he remarked, "Maybe I thought I was a tulip."

Whether dressed as a tulip or a consultant, officials at Dorn Furniture pledged that he will be available for assistance in answering decorating problems.

Delivery Boys Picket

Clark County (BS) – Delivery Boys at Dorn Furniture today set up picket lines to protest their store's annual anniversary sale. The delivery boys didn't mind the deliveries to Chicago, but absolutely refused to make any deliveries to New York and Los Angeles. They also object to the late hours that they have been keeping in order to meet the delivery schedule. "Most people object to deliveries being made at three o'clock in the morning anyway," said one of the irate boys. However, Dorn officials insist that all scheduled deliveries will be made, even if the sales girls have to load and drive the trucks.

Actions Condemned

Abbotsford (BS) – The actions of a local furniture store have been condemned by the SDS (Study of Drastic Sales). It has been found that due to unreasonable price reductions at the annual sale, the furniture store in question faces the possibility of suspension of all its sales privileges forded by the SDS.

National Guard Called Out

Abbotsford (BS) – Officials have admitted that it is true that the National Riot Guard will be dispatched to the scene of any riots which might take place in this normally quiet city in central Wisconsin. Officials figure that the peak of the confusion will take place when the free prizes will be distributed to the customers. A special reserved will be held back until the LA-Z-Boy is given away. It is predicted that at this moment full force control will be needed

Store personnel have stated that they will refuse to allow too much order if it should hamper customer bargains. There could be a clash of interests in regard to this matter, and it is hoped things can be resolved before the sale ends.

Meanwhile back at headquarters, special assistance from a crew of secretaries will be used to help answer phone calls that are predicated to flood the central office during this berserk sale. Last year reports were made that it took travelers several days to work their way through the crowds in Abbotsford attending this sale. Special assistance from troopers will be used to speed traffic in and out of the city. Officials guarantee that it will take no more than two hours to pass through the city at the peak of the sale, instead of the usual two days.

Every possible consideration will be given to those who are delayed as they pass by this store and special bargains will be offered to them as a consolation. Customers will be urged to take turns resting on the many comfortable chairs and sofas, and Simmons Beauty Rest mattresses in the store, as they await the many bargains offered by Dorn's.

Free La-Z-Boy

One of the berserk officials of the firm today revealed that a La-Z-Boy chair will be among the dozens of items to be given away during the insane event. Other items include lamps, towel sets, wall plaques, and even a famous brand mattress. The crazed official stressed that a "La-Z-Boy is not one of the sotre's executives." "Thanks Gawd" said a clerk quietly, "Who'd want one of them!"

Sale Personnel File Complaint

Local (BS) – Store personnel at Dorn Furniture today filed a formal complaint as to just how long they would be able to stand up under the tremendous strain forded by the store's annual sale.

Store personnel insist that the whole idea is entirely that of the management and that all money saved in the holocaust can be blamed on the store officials. Sales personnel, however, continue to practically give away merchandise in order to satisfy their bargain crazy bosses.

Dorn Executive Restricted

Abbotsford (BS) – It has been reported that a well-known Dorn official has been restricted to the number of hours he is able to work in the store.

This action was taken upon the complaint that he was personally giving away furniture to help moved the crowd through his store in order to speed up the flow of traffic. Store personnel felt this action was necessary after a reported incident which stated that he was seen carrying a sofa to a town south of Abbotsford, which he had sold for the sum of $0.

This abnormal behavior has led to his restriction within the store, along with his whistling of turns like, "The Old Rocking Chair's gonna Get You" if you don't buy a new La-Z-Boy.

Personnel have strapped him to the grouping of Bourbon Barrel Furniture, where he does a vocal number every hour entitled, "You don't need a barrel of money when you have a barrel of bourbon."

It is hoped that his nerves can be calmed quieted down before the sale ends, so that more drastic actions can be avoided that would restrict him from the sales floor permanently.

Fair Bargain Board Notified

Clark County (ROT) – The Fair Bargain Board today was notified of the peculiar conduct of Dorn Furniture in regard to its annual anniversary sale.

Particular points in objection are the unnecessary discounts and gifts being given away to customers attending this sale.

One serious point being discussed is the way store officials have been running insanely through the store slashing prices on name brand furniture. Rumors have it that what can't be sold has been given away.

Members of the Fair Bargain Board have made it clear to the officials at Dorn Furniture that their conduct must stop because in the central part of the state it is starting to shake the economy. . It is also causing havoc among buyers and must be stopped before the Bargain Board steps in and forms a regulation commission to supervise the store.

Bookkeeper Committed

Abbotsford (ROT) – Dorn Furniture today revealed that their faithful bookkeeper Tootsey will be committed to a local institution for examination to determine whether or not she will be competent enough to handle the onslaught of accounts predicted to come with the annual store anniversary sale.

The store is trying hard to avoid having her disappear, as she did last year during the sale. They figure that rest and solitude should help revive her tensions and frustrations of the anticipation of the hundreds of sales slips that must be processed.

Unconfirmed reports have stated that Tootsey will be back on the job sane or not, and that a chain has been ordered to attach to her desk to avoid any idea of a disappearing act. Photos have also been released to local pubs as a further guarantee that Tootsey will return to her job during this crazy even.



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