Said Henry Ward Beecher to the hen,
You 're a beautiful creature,
And just for that she lay an egg in his hat And thus did the hen re ward Beecher.
MAXEY.

Uni Farm Prize Stock

   What 'tis it?--Why, it is simply a vociferous, parasitic perambulatory protoplasmic formation conspicuous about the Campus. This neophyte has an embryonic infinitesimal brain, in which several convolutions have been discovered with the aid of a sixty horse power miscroscope. The anthropoid specimen resembles the gnarled oak,--plenty of "bark," good at "rooting" and "leaves" in the spring (by request). This homologue of the genus homo is also like the stately conifer in that it remains "green" all winter. Tho primordial, this triple distilled essence of psycho-physical inconsistency has inherited from its maternal progenitor certain predilections toward the diffusion of superfluous verbiage accompanied by a conspicuous absence of fundamental ideas. * * * With a Gugenheimer suit, red sox, and a town hair-cut, this condensed evergreen bids farewell to "ma" and "pa" and is off to College, taking with it the mater's tearful admonitions to beware of street cars, wine, fire-engines and frats.
COFFEE.

   Ralph Haggart (at phone) -- Hello! Is this the Alpha Chi house?
   Miss McCorkindale -- Why, yes, don't you recognize my voice. Ralph?
   Haggart -- Why--er--I would--have you a date for the Pan-Hel? If you haven't I'd like to take you.
   Miss McCorkindale -- Why--er--you see--well--If Carl is able to dance by that time I suppose I'll go with him. Can't you wait a week or so and then let me decide? You see, perhaps he won't be able to go, and then I should be so glad to go with you. Hello! Hello! Hello! (Aside to girls) Do you suppose he's fainted? I can't hear a thing. I think he ought to be satisfied with that, and anyway he knows I sent Carl those American Beauties when he was hurt, and that ought to give him a hunch.

In the Courts of Justice None of Us Are Perfect

   I had a dream which was something more than a dream. The elements were ravished by a terrific storm and the universe was convulsed by a mighty earthquake. Buildings fell; huge oaks of the forest splintered; mountains and valleys disappeared; and vast rocks crumbled into dust. In the twinkling of an eye all creation had been tumbled into one chaotic mass of ruins, and not a vestige remained of all the works of man. Groans of dying thousands filled the darkness with unbearable horror. The cry of lost souls seemed to echo up through the interminable ages. The end had come.
   Finally the storm subsided, the earth ceased to rock and except for cries of human agony all was still. Now I was standing in a great arena which seemed on either side to stretch into infinity. Before me was a great dark throne, but no one sat upon it. Kneeling there was a host of suppliants without number. On each side was drawn up a vast array of skeletons in armor, and in their hollow eyes a flame of red fire hissed at the darkness. All stood like statues, immovable and speechless.
   Presently a trumpet sounded and a herald entered to the right of the throne. His approach was greeted by a deafening roar of inhuman metallic voices. He was a thousand times the size of Stelk; his eyes, too, glowed with a fiendish fire; about him was a suit of armor heavier than that of any Dreadnaught; about his waist was fastened a sash, red with human blood; and in his left hand he carried a great scroll. The messenger held aloft his right hand, and in an instant all was still as death. In a thundering voice that echoed into all parts of the kingdom he announced his mission:
   "Hear ye, 0 vast throng, 0 infinite concourse of all the generations of man, all ye vast armed array of his Majesty's warriors, and all ye princes, His Satanic Majesty, the most high King of Pandemonium, Emperor of the Platonic Realms, almighty Monarch of the Nether Universe, does proclaim through his herald this imperial decree. With great leniency he has pronounced judgment upon these creatures of earth."
   He paused in his speech and a great light fell upon the victims cowering before the throne. Methought I could recognize some and attempted to obtain a nearer view. But I was as if turned to stone and remained motionless in spite of all effort. Then the herald resumed his reading:
   "Professor Fossler, who thinkest German moves the universe; Dr. Condra, incomparable vendor of hot air; and Aylesworth, who lovest so well to hear thine own lengthy discourse; get thee hence unto yonder mountain of molten lava, and when thy voices have transformed it into ice thy punishment is ended. Professor Frye, thou hast seen only the bad in everything, and after all thy criticism thou hast created nothing. To make amends thou shalt build a wall of adamant a thousand feet in height encircling the fartherest confines of Hell. Professor Robbins, prince of egotists and wisest man in all the world in thine own opinion, compile a code of law for this kingdom greater than all in Heaven and Earth. Self-exalted and officious one, Alexander the Little, eternally shalt thou grovel in the dust before beggars, the least in all the land. Captain Yates, pompous little one, delicate clay model, with all thy tinsel thou shalt be placed upon the shield of the king of this realm as an ornament.
   "Professor Fling, too long has man been burdened with the abomination of thy sneering remarks, and thou shalt be cast into fiery Phlegethon, there to burn in unbearable agony through all the eternal ages. From Professor Fogg is taken his beautiful form, his charm. and his good opinion of himself in order that he may become a useful subject of this kingdom. Miss Ensign, to spite thy ethereal mind of superhuman criticism, thou shalt forever behold and hear the plays produced by Professor Conant, Miss Conklin and Miss Howell in the Eternal Theater of Pandemonium. Professor Wolfe, proud of thine own opinion and who most despise thine own son and daughter because they are possessors of Phi Beta Kappas, thou shalt become a scullion in his Majesty's kitchen. Professor Buck may remain here under ordinary tortures, but his exquisitely curled mustache must be burned from him. Professor Howard, thy lachrymal effusions made the heroes of American history angels in the eyes of students. Thy tears would make an imperial garden bloom, and watering plants shalt be thy task. Professor Gass, emotional spells of deep religious creed have made much amusement for men on earth, and thou shalt be made my chief jester. Dean Davis, thy happy faculty of forgetfulness would enable thee to be insensible to any torture. Long indeed has one like thee been sought for a government timekeeper. The whole faculty from the parasitic institution across R street with their music machines shalt be placed in the Prison of the Damned to keep miserable those who violate the orders of the King. DeLacy, the wisdom which thou didst pretend by over solemn countenance as judge of the court of College of Law, has been found a negative quantity--more apt thy service as waterboy to Professor Frye. Miss Korsmeyer, Holy writ commands that thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself and thou shalt love thine enemies. Both cannons hast thou broken by hating the laws, and thou shalt sit upon the mountain which the breathy trio will attempt to chill."
   The herald ceased reading, and some weird voice in the multitude breathed the magic word, Engberg. Whereupon the herald replied that he had been deemed one of the few men of Earth worthy of a home in Elysium. Then there was a commotion and a mighty cheer as there entered one many times greater in stature than the herald, and took his seat upon the throne. In his left hand he held a three-pronged fork, and dangling thereon were strange objects.
   "This," he said, "riding over chaos. He was too late to enter the abode of the blessed--that he was too late is the only charge against him. Professor Dales shall be made one of my pages, but his infernal machine shall be destroyed before he hurts some one with it."
   Then all was black and silent as suddenly as it had begun, and this most remarkable vision had passed.